How to kill squirrels if you’re a jerk

Angry man who wants to know how to kill squirrels
This guy will definitely be a jerk when killing squirrels. Stay away from this guy.

Sometimes the only way to get rid of squirrels and protect your home, garden, and belongings is to kill the squirrels. All the squirrels. But, no need to be a psychotic jerk. Humane ways to kill squirrels exist, and then there are all the ways to kill squirrels if you are a big, nasty jerk.

So, how do jerks kill squirrels?

Jerk Move #1: Rat Poison

Rat poison does not kill squirrels.
This poison claims to be humane. It may be a humane way to kill rats, but it is not humane to squirrels. Don’t use this on squirrels!

Rat poison does not kill squirrels. Only ignorant jerks use rat poison to eradicate squirrels—ignorant of how to kill squirrels and ignorant of the law. It is illegal to poison squirrels as no poison is registered as effective on squirrels and the amount of poison needed to cover a squirrels’ territory would endanger other wildlife. What these jerks do end up with is squirrel vomit all over their attic or basement or wherever the squirrels are. Squirrels do not often eat rat poison, but if they do ingest the poison, it will only make them suffer, not die. So, if you want to be a jerk and torture squirrels, use rat poison. If you want to kill squirrels, do not use rat poison.

Jerk Move #2: Antifreeze

Antifreeze - how to kill squirrels like a jerk

Using antifreeze to kill squirrels is a total jerk move. Yes, antifreeze will kill squirrels. But, ethylene glycol, commonly known as antifreeze, is a cruel death. The squirrel licks up some antifreeze. If the squirrel digests enough of it, and doesn’t just throw up the green liquid Exorcist-style, the antifreeze will do deadly damage to the squirrel’s liver and kidneys. Death by antifreeze can take anywhere from a couple of hours up to a full day. That’s torture, and in no way humane. And, on top of being a jerk, you will then have a rotting squirrel hiding wherever it went to die. The odor will be the squirrel’s revenge, which is a victory for the squirrels. Don’t let the squirrels win.

Jerk Move #3: Death by drowning

water squirrel trap homemade
Redneck squirrel-drowning trap.

This contraption lures squirrels to “walk the plank.” The idea is to place a few peanuts on the plank. When the squirrel scurries onto the plank and reaches for a nut, the plank gives way and the squirrel falls into the bucket of water and drowns. Another popular drowning method is to lower a squirrel trap complete with confined squirrel into a large vat of water. Total jerk move. Only jerks drown squirrels because drowning is a slow, terrifying death and causes undue suffering to the squirrel.

Jerk Move #4: Thinking you’re Dirty Harry, but shooting like a blind baboon

Squirrels on a line
Whoever killed these squirrels knew how to shoot.

Shooting squirrels can be a very humane way to kill them. But, only if you are a good shot. So, if you think you can hit a moving target about the size of a quarter from ten years away, by all means, shoot the squirrels. If you are like some of us who couldn’t hit the side of a barn, don’t shoot squirrels. Most of us who attempt to shoot squirrels only make the critter, leaving them suffering. Chances are they will die from the injury whether caught as prey or from infection or from lack of hunting and feeding capabilities. All a sloppy shot guarantees is that the squirrel will suffer.

The bottom line is too many humane ways to kill squirrels exist. Only jerks poison, drown, or put ten pellets into a squirrel before it finally falls dead, off its branch. If you have a squirrel problem, don’t be a jerk. Instead, remove the squirrels from the problem area first with traps, then either relocate them or shoot them with an air rifle. Squirrels stink, but so do jerks.

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